But I Can't Sleep Without You
by Blindseer2012
Summary: Short writing exercise. Kara has trouble sleeping without her teddy bear, but doesn't know how to tell Lena. She doesn't want Lena to think she's childish.


Alright.

Alright, she can do this.

She can do this, she just needs to be blunt. Blunt and to the point. Everything after that would be easy, just be blunt.

Kara shuffled hesitantly up to the counter where Lena was washing dishes. If she noticed Kara's more nervous that normal demeanor, she didn't saw anything.

A deep breath. She just needed to take a deep breath. Breathe and relax and remember she could do this.

"I can't sleep here," she blurted out. Loud and forceful and, and… She paused for a minute. Not at all what she planned, she realized.

Lena stopped. Stopped her scrubbing. Stopped, stopped _breathing_ and...

And...

Oh Rao. This was wrong. Wrong.

Too blunt. She needed to back track. Start at the beginning. The beginning. Explain.

She needed to explain first.

She clenched her fingering into fists. So they wouldn't tremble. So Lena wouldn't see them shake.

"I love you!"

That was better. Better.

The confusion on Lena's face deepened.

Okay, maybe not that much better…

She danced on her feet, a nervous habit. Nibbled her bottom lip. She had planned this, planned this in great detail. Rehearsed and rehearsed in her head and in front of a mirror and to her walls and to her plants and, and this was not how it went.

Her heart beat loudly in her ears. Louder and louder until she was felt like she would drown in it. Until she couldn't hear Lena's heart beat over her own. She couldn't hear her.

Her hands clenched harder.

Her fingers trembled anyway.

Why was this so hard, this shouldn't be this hard.

"I love you," Kara started quieter. Took a deep breath to steady herself. "I love you and I love cuddling. I love getting to snuggle at night, but…" Another deep breath. Despite her best efforts, her words became quieter and quieter the longer she talked. "But I, umm, I can't sleep without Mr. Snuggles."

That set Lena back into motion. Kara wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not though. Her face was longer confused. Kara watched as it fell. Became the carefully schooled blank that Lena used for her CEO duties. The one Lena always, always left at the door. Rao, she shouldn't have said anything. Shouldn't have bothered. She didn't need as much sleep as the average human anyway.

Tears pricked at her eyes.

"Mr. Snuggles?" Lena blinked. And stared.

"He, um." Kara fidgeted. Feet dancing and tapping as she fought to stand still. "He's my stuffed bear." Kara blushed, hot and red. "It's stupid. It's stupid, I'm sorry." The tears didn't stay in her eyes. They fell and fell and she couldn't stop them. "I'm sorry," she whispered, trying, trying, to keep the emotion out of her voice. She unclenched her hands. Clenched and unclenched and clenched. Fiddled and fidgeted with the edge of her shirt, trying to ground herself in the soft fabric. "It' stupid, forget it." She mumbled, sniffling. She stepped back, back, away. She didn't wanna be here anymore. It was stupid, stupid and she shouldn't have brought it up.

The thin line of Lena's mouth pulled down into a frown. But her eyes softened. Softened and Kara looked away. Why did Lena always looked at her like that. So soft and caring and it was too much. Too much.

Her heart beat louder.

Too loud.

Her fingers clenched too hard, almost, almost tearing the soft fabric of her shirt. She wanted to reach out to Lena. Wanted to trace patterns on her skin and breath in her scent and stop and stop and ground herself in Lena. Ground herself until the beating and roaring in her ears dulled and the uncomfortable feelings in her gut stopped squirming and growing and making her fidget. But it was too much and it was too loud and fingers refused to uncurl long enough to let go of the fabric of her shirt.

And Lena knew.

She just knew.

Knew because she reached out but didn't touch Kara. Knew because she didn't try and make Kara meet her eyes. Didn't try and make Kara speak when she softly, gently, asked "Mr. Snuggles is your stuffed teddy bear?"

Kara shuffled, shuffled and breathed deep and nodded.

Lena nodded back. Kept her questions to things Kara didn't have to speak for. Things Kara could nod to.

"You've had him for a while."

That one wasn't spoken as much of a question. More like a statement. More like Lena already knew, had already pieced it together. Despite Kara's floundering. Despite Kara's failure. Her panic. Despite the fact that Kara still, still, after all these years practicing wasn't always good with her words.

Lena was smart. Kara knew that. It wasn't a question.

Kara nodded anyway.

"You still sleep with him at night."

Another nod. Kara looked down, then away, and down again. But her hands trembled less.

Progress.

"You've been having trouble sleeping without him here, that's why you can't sleep here."

Kara looked ashamed. Ashamed as she flushed and nodded.

"You've been afraid to say anything." Lena paused. "Afraid I'd be upset with you?" The confusion was still there. Still there, hidden under the caring and compassion. Hidden but not gone, because Lena didn't understand. Didn't understand why Kara would be afraid to tell her. But she knew now wasn't the time. Not when Kara was still overwhelmed. Not when she was still trembling. That was a conversation for another time.

Kara didn't look up. Not all the way. But she did raise her gaze. Looked at Lena's shoes instead of her own. Progress.

But she didn't nod. Didn't deny, but didn't confirm.

Lena stifled a small, frustrated, sigh from escaping. Progress, she thought. Focus on the Progress.

She tried again. "Afraid I'd think it was childish?" She smiled, small and sad but still a smile. Not that Kara could see. Not yet.

Kara softened. Let some of the tension go. Lena watched as her fingers flexed, slowly releasing their death grip.

Kara looked embarrassed. Red-cheeked and watery-eyed and embarrassed. Almost ashamed.

Kara nodded.

Lena didn't like that. She didn't want Kara to be ashamed.

"Oh Kara…" She breathed out. She was sure there was more. More, that would take too long with questions. More, that they could talk about later, later, when Kara could hold Lena's hand in her own instead of her shirt when she needed comfort. When Lena couldn't see the minute trembles that hadn't fully left Kara's hands. When Kara could look Lena in the eye, instead of slightly, just slightly, off to the left.

Lena didn't want to push her.

Didn't want to push her but couldn't stop from reaching out again. From hoping and hoping that it wasn't too soon; and that Kara had calmed down enough for Lena to touch her and hold her. She lightly brushed Kara's hand with her own. There was a small, almost imperceptible, flinch. But Kara didn't pull away. She didn't pull away and relaxed again after a second. A good sign. Lena entwined their fingers.

"Kara, sweetie," Lena started gently. "Sweetie, that's not childish. And I promise I'm not just saying that." Lena's smile was as gentle as her words. Her eyes softened. "I still have my childhood bear. I might not sleep with him still, but he has a proud stop in my closet where he watches out over my stuff." She almost chuckled at the thought of her bear on his tucked away throne, almost but then thought the better of it. Focus on the progress. She didn't want Kara to misunderstand. She didn't want Kara to think she was laughing at her. "We all have our quirks sweetie. Still caring about your bear isn't anything to be ashamed of, not with me."

Kara nodded. Nodded and gripped Lena's fingers tighter as she sniffled. Sniffled but mercifully remained dry-eyed. Lena hated seeing her cry.

"Kara, tell me what's wrong."

Kara remained silent for a few minutes, collecting herself. She opened her mouth a few times, but couldn't seem to find the words to start.

Lena watched Kara's fumbling and her heart melted. She hadn't meant to rush Kara into talking before she was ready. Kara needed to take this slowly. That much was obvious. Lena could take this slowly then. She was in no hurry.

"Why don't we sit. Watch something mindless on TV for a while."

That made Kara stiffen. Stiffen and look up abruptly. The panic coming back to her eyes. Lena sighed.

"Sweetie we can talk more when you're ready. I don't wanna push you if you're still uncomfortable."

That made Kara blink. Lena tugged gently on their still joined hands. Led her over to the couch and pulled her down to sit next to her. With one hand she picked up the remote and with the other hand she worked around Kara's shoulders. As the TV flickered on and Lena lowered the volume, Kara let out a deep breath and leaned into Lena. Rested her head on Lena's shoulder. Lena grinned as Kara relaxed and gently started running her fingers through Kara's hair. Kara's eyes fluttered shut at the sensation.

The muted voices of the TV were a white noise for Kara as she let herself calm down. She didn't know how many shows passed and she took her time, finding where to start. This time much calmer than before.

"I've had him since I was little." The suddenness of the statement didn't startle Lena. Kara knew it wouldn't. Lena never seemed surprised by the things Kara said and did. She might be confused, or concerned, or amused, or happy, or upset… the list went on. But never she was never surprised. It comforted Kara. Comforted her because it meant Lena knew Kara. Knew Kara in a way that made feel giddy.

She didn't exactly feel giddy right now, but the comfort still was still there. Strong enough that even though an embarrassed blush rose to her cheeks, fainter than before, she could still continue.

"I got him when I moved in with the Danvers. He was a gift. Alex, umm," her fingers twitched briefly from where they sat in her lap. "Alex gave him to me when she realized I was having trouble sleeping." Kara felt fingers running through her hair still for a second, just a second, before continuing their motions. "He helped me work through my nightmares."

Kara fell silent. From the soft kiss Lena pressed to the top of her head, Kara knew she didn't have to say anymore. She didn't have to add that he helped Kara with her powers too. She didn't have to explained that the soft fur helped ground her when her super-hearing was too super and when the lead-lined glasses weren't quiet enough. That it was a relief to not have to worry about how hard she hugged him.

Kara didn't have to explain all of that because she was sure that Lena knew.

Lena always knew.

It helped when Kara was just didn't have the words. Couldn't find the words in the english language to explain herself.

Time passed. The murmur of the TV and the stokes of Lena's hand through her hair helped lull Kara until she was almost asleep. Almost, but not quite yet.

"I knew you wouldn't make fun of me, I knew you wouldn't care, but…" Kara yawned. "But people think it's silly" she continued softly, "and I know they think it's stupid and childish and I didn't want to chance you would react that way."

She needed to explain herself. Lena understood but Kara still needed explain herself. She had known, known Lena wouldn't mind but hadn't been able to stop the worry anyway. Hadn't been able to get past the panic. And so she hadn't said anything.

"And so you just haven't been sleeping well whenever you stay over," Lena offered quietly back.

"I can handle less sleep than the average human if I have to," Kara conceded.

"But it's been catching up to you."

Kara's fingers twitched again.

"I thought I could get past it but…" Kara trailed off. It hadn't really been working. But Kara didn't want to admit that aloud. And didn't have to.

Because Lena, bless her, Lena always understood.

Lena pressed another kiss to the top of Kara's head. "You're allowed to bring him over sweetie, whenever you want to." Kara could feel Lena grin, "or you can always borrow Dr. Bearington. I'm sure he'd love a chance to cuddle with you."

Kara smiled.

Kara smiled and dozed contentedly in Lena's arms. She would love to meet Dr. Bearington.

* * *

Short writing exercise. Just another dabble that would otherwise sit on my computer. Kara can't sleep without her teddy bear, and doesn't know how to tell Lena. If you actually read this your an angel. I never read back through so apologizes for any mistakes or rough parts.


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